Once in a while there’s a series of written words that transcends time and space. You just never know when the next Lewis, Tolkien or Rowling might pop up in written media. It’s time for me to bust through those walls like the Kool-Aid Man as I deliver yet another installment of a series no one knew that they needed – Disney attractions as characters from my favorite comedy shows. Ooooh yeah! In case you need a refresher (this is all done in jest, I know no one remembers these), I started the series with The Office before moving on to Parks & Recreation. After the week of good news involving Disneyland, we’ll continue the positive vibes in writing about the feel good show of the last year, Ted Lasso.
Unlike previous installments, Ted Lasso only has one season thus far unlike the deeper catalogues of the NBC sitcoms. That said, there is a wealth of characters to choose from here. Seriously, if you haven’t watched Ted Lasso then stop reading this dumb blog post and go do that. I don’t know how much advice you should take from some random dude who writes about Disney all of the time, but I feel good about recommending it. Similar to the Parks & Rec post, Ted Lasso is full of likable characters with some unique virtues. Do theme park attractions have virtues? Let’s not get that deep in the woods and just start with the fun!
Here’s the mission: Pick a character from Ted Lasso and match it to a Disney attraction. Some of these will include a lot of thought and some will be incredibly dumb. Some are me realizing this was a bad idea after the first few words but staying committed. This is your chance to read something else that may be more worthy of your time. Still here? Let’s go!
Ted Lasso as it’s a small world
We’ll start with the clear and obvious pick. Ted Lasso is brimming with optimism to the point of frustration with some in his life. I think that pretty well describes it’s a small world, as well. Both could get on your nerves if you’re not in the right mood but once you truly understand them then it’s obvious that both are genuinely joyful in their message – Be curious about those around you and ask them questions, don’t judge them. When we do that then we’re never far from home. Barbecue sauce.
Roy Kent as Sailing Ship Columbia
Both appear old and a little bit grumpy, Roy spouting off at anyone he comes across and the Columbia firing off the cannon for no apparent reason. Both end up having a surprising amount of depth though. Sailing Ship Columbia offers new sights whether it’s around the river or down inside of the hull. Roy stands up for his teammates often and is surprisingly sweet under his hard exterior. Most importantly, they each carry their team – Roy as captain of AFC Richmond and the Columbia carrying the pirates during Fantasmic!
Rebecca as Pirates of the Caribbean
Both Rebecca and Pirates are stalwarts, powerful and integral parts of the puzzle. Not to give away much of Ted Lasso’s plot, but they both tell stories of bad plans going wrong. Thankfully, there’s always that backwards waterfall (sincere apologies and second chances) to get them back up. Wow, I dug deep for that metaphor and absolutely missed! The next one will be better.
Keeley Jones as The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Were there some questionable choices that led to getting to their current spot? Absolutely. Should Winnie the Pooh have ever replaced Country Bear Jamboree? Should Keeley ever have dated some of those bad guys? No. But darn it, if both of these two aren’t just the sweetest things. They will each make you feel better after experiencing them. Now if we can just get Keeley to teach Pooh and Eeyore some confidence!
Jamie Tartt as Under the Sea – Journey of the Little Mermaid (the Magic Kingdom one)
Both look great on the outside and then are terribly disappointing inside! Obviously, there’s some baby sharks under the sea and Jamie definitely stole his theme song from them.
Coach Beard as TTA PeopleMover
Coach Beard is just there, happy to play second fiddle and ready with a beer whenever those he loves have a bad day. The PeopleMover isn’t far off from that description, minus the beer. It doesn’t mind not being the best attraction in its land, giving way to Space Mountain. But when you give it the time then it’s dependable (current refurb notwithstanding) and will show you a good time!
Nathan as the Disney Skyliner
These young up and comers are finding their place. Nathan has incredibly insight, he just needs a little coaxing to let it out. The Disney Skyliner offers a new perspective, if guests can get over the fear of soaring above the ground in a big box. Just give them a few years and they’ll be mainstays!
Dani Rojas as Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree
They both make up their own goofy songs. They both have the potential to annoy people with their optimism. More than that, their whole goal is to bring people joy and they usually succeed.
Sam as Peter Pan’s Flight
Like Dani Rojas, Sam is full of joy and wonder. He’s not quite as boisterous about it but you know that feeling that you got the first time you flew over the London sky on Peter Pan’s Flight? That is Sam’s attitude to the world. Plus, he really seems to like spells and stories based in England (sorry there aren’t any Harry Potter attractions at the Disney Parks, Sam).
Trent Crimm as Main Street Vehicles
Trent Crimm (of the Independent) is just there doing his job and doing it well. There’s those horses and incredible double decker bus just moving up and down Main Street. Most people don’t think twice about them, much less going on them. But they are integral to the experience, just as a sports writer is integral to the team and fan relationship. Am I trying too hard? Yes.
Higgins as the Swiss Family Treehouse
Higgins has learned a lot over the years and now is just kind of there. Eager to be included but happy where he stands. Maybe he doesn’t quite fit in with the current cast but he’ll adapt and make do for his family. I’ll let you put the pieces together on how that connects to the attraction. I’ve put you through enough already. High five, tree!
Isaac as Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster
At times, you question both of the wits when it comes to Isaac and the Hollywood Studios Coaster. We’re not totally positive that Isaac even knows how to count. Meanwhile, Aerosmith is trying to get a ridiculous amount of people backstage every hour. Flaws and coherence aside, these are both lovable and mainstays for both of their teams.
There aren’t many characters left so I’ll leave it here for the time being! Let me know in the comments which ones you’d change and what other characters match up to.
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Categories: Weird Stuff